


believe in something (believe in me)

by Someone_aka_Me



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Patron Saint of Butterflies
Genre: Cults, Multi, Recovery, Religious Cults
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 15:58:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14312193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Someone_aka_Me/pseuds/Someone_aka_Me
Summary: Remus and Sirius grow up in a Catholic Cult. Sirius has to navigate being a non-believer, until they leave, and then Remus has to figure out what he still believes in. They get a little help from Charlie (well, a lot of help from Charlie), Alphard, and Arthur.





	believe in something (believe in me)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NeonDomino](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonDomino/gifts).



> Set in the US, so I've used mostly American spellings.
> 
> When this fic starts, Charlie is 23, Sirius is 17, Remus is 17, and Regulus is 16.

Sirius steals off after devotions and lays in the field, staring at the sky.

He wonders if this is how life is supposed to be.

Everything in the commune is so rigid. They get up every day start morning prayers at the same time. Then they eat breakfast together at the same time.

The adults have devotions together and the children under eighteen have their devotionals with Lucius Malfoy, who is married to Sirius's cousin, and whom Sirius loathes. Regulus, on the other hand, idolizes Lucius. So does Remus, who is Sirius's best friend in this forsaken place.

Remus is a Believer, though. His parents moved to the commune when Remus was three, a sickly child who wasn't supposed to live through the year.

But Remus did. And Remus says it's by the grace of God and Gellert Grindelwald that he lives. Remus' mother died last year and even that couldn't shake his faith. When Sirius asked him about it, he said that Gellert told him that it was his mother's time to rejoin God. She died of  _the flu_ when it turned into pneumonia. Sirius is pretty sure that, if Gellert had willed it, Remus's mother could have lived.

Sirius loosens the rope around his waist that holds his habit on and breathes in deeply. The fresh air tastes foreign on his tongue. This brief, stolen moment is the happiest moment of his entire week.

He hates it here.

He hates wearing the same stupid brown habit as everyone else. He hates spending hours on his knees, until his kneecaps are black and blue.

He hates being told what to do, what to believe, what to think.

He runs his fingers through the grass. He knows his stolen moment must end soon. He comes here sometimes during what is supposed to be quiet reflection time, but it's almost lunchtime and they'll notice if he's still gone.

He runs a hand through his cropped short hair. He dreams of the day when he is eighteen. He dreams of leaving.

But the truth is, he's not sure he'll be able to. Not without Remus. Not without Regulus.

Remus and Regulus are both Believers, though, and they would never leave voluntarily. And so Sirius stays.

…

It's a week before Sirius's eighteenth birthday when an unfamiliar car turns down the drive of the compound. Sirius pulls himself up from the grass, wipes his hands off on his habit and tightens the rope around his waist before dashing toward the main house.

Lucius scowls at him as he falls in line next to Remus and the other older children. Sirius just raises his eyebrows, silently asking what Lucius is going to do about it. Lucius's glare darkens, and Sirius knows he's going to face a reprimand later, but right now he doesn't care.

He dusts off his habit, attempting to clear it off. He bites his tongue as he scrapes at a patch of mud with his fingernail, and it is at that moment that Gellert walks out, an elderly gentleman with greying hair and noble features at his side. Behind them walks a young man, maybe Sirius's age or a little older, with red hair longer than Sirius has ever seen on a man.

Sirius drops his habit and runs a nervous hand through his shorn hair. He wonders what it feels like to have hair that falls around the ears like that.

He wonders what it's like to be that boy. To be free.

The party of three stops in front of him. Sirius feels his pulse quicken.

Gellert checks that the elderly man is watching Sirius, and then gives Sirius a stern look that the man cannot see. Sirius straightens his spine.

He's not afraid of much, but he is afraid of Gellert. Gellert expects perfection from them. He expects them to be Saints. When they fall short, Gellert likes to assign their punishments. He'll assign a week of tying their belt a knot tighter, feeling the hemp digging into their skin, untying it after a week to find the skin red and scabbed. He'll assign time on their knees until they're bruised and broken. He'll assign fasting until the world spins.

He'll assign all of these in the name of perfection. Sirius isn't sure if he wants to be Gellert's kind of perfect.

Gellert watches him straighten and smiles, sweet and sickening. Sirius keeps his face passive. He will not give Gellert the satisfaction of watching him react.

"Sirius, this is your Uncle Alphard. He's come to visit for your birthday. Isn't that nice?"

Gellert's face looks as though he does not, in fact, think this is nice at all, but Sirius thinks he may be the only one who notices. The elderly man — Alphard — steps forward and takes Sirius's hand.

"It is good to meet you, nephew."

Sirius shakes the man's hand, and he's sure his shock shows when Alphard pulls him into a hug. After a moment of hesitation, Sirius wraps his arms around this stranger and he wonders what happens now.

They pull apart and Sirius glances behind him at Regulus. Alphard's gaze must follow his.

"And you must be my other nephew!" he says cheerily. Regulus nods faintly. He looks slightly alarmed.

Barty, who is beside Regulus, nudges him forward. Regulus stumbles but then steps out of rank and beside Sirius. Alphard hugs him too. Regulus clearly has no idea what to do with his arms. Eventually, Alphard lets him go.

"It is so good to meet you both." He pulls forward the redhead. "This is Charlie Weasley, one of my neighbor's boys. He's come with me to help me out with a few things. I'm old, you see," Alphard says with a wink.

Sirius isn't sure if he's supposed to laugh. He shifts from one foot to the other. The silence of the crowd of commune children seems to stretch on forever. Alphard frowns.

"Well, you all can go back to whatever you were doing. Don't stop on my account."

Lucius looks to Gellert for permission. When Gellert nods, Lucius ushers the crowd of young people away. Remus's gaze lingers on Sirius, but eventually, he, too, turns to go.

Sirius looks back to the Uncle he's never known. Has never heard of. He is all too aware of Gellert standing there, listening. He is all too aware that this may be his best chance to  _leave_.

He is all too aware that if this goes wrong, Gellert will never let him forget. His parents will never let him forget.

He wonders if he could leave Remus and Regulus if he promises himself that he'll come back for them.

"How long are you here, Uncle?" Sirius asks, keeping his tone even and respectful.

Alphard smiles at him. "I'll be here until your birthday. I wanted a chance to see my long absent sister and her handsome children before I become ancient and bedridden."

Sirius sizes up Alphard and then Charlie. He wonders which of them will be easier to convince of the truth of what is going on here.

For a moment, Sirius is faced with the doubt that strikes him when he gives it the space to sneak in — the doubt in his own convictions. The thought that maybe his parents are right. Maybe nothing here is wrong. Maybe he is what is wrong.

Maybe if he just believed, he would understand that everything they do, they do for God.

But Sirius thinks about his little brother voluntarily fasting so often that Sirius can count his ribs. He thinks about Remus, his best friend, tightening the rope around his waist so many times that the dent it leaves is permanent and the scabs it carves have turned to scars.

And he thinks,  _this cannot be right_.

…

Sirius is determined to catch a moment alone with Alphard. Gellert seems equally determined to stop him. Every time Sirius gets a moment to talk to Alphard, Gellert is there.

Until Regulus tries to climb a tree. He is reaching for an apple — later, he tells Sirius that he meant to give it to their mother — when the branch he is standing on snaps, and he falls.

He hears the snap of his own bone. Barty runs for help and comes back with Gellert.

Gellert looks at Regulus and says, "You, like Eve, have fallen to temptation."

Regulus whimpers in pain in response.

Gellert picks Regulus up and carries him to the main building, long legs striding quickly across the grass, Barty jogging at his side to keep up.

The whispers are already spreading.

Sirius finds them in the main dining hall only minutes after Gellert lays Regulus on one of the benches. Regulus is cradling his broken arm to his chest, whining slightly from pain. Gellert's face is stern. Sirius hates him.

Sirius sprints through the crowd and falls to his knees beside his brother. He places a hand on Regulus's shoulder. "It's okay, Reg. You're going to be okay."

Regulus opens his eyes to look at Sirius. His molten grey eyes are glazed over with pain.

Sirius manages his best attempt at a smile, squeezing Regulus's shoulder before standing up.

"He needs help," Sirius tells Gellert, his voice firm and brooking no argument. Gellert looks back, impassive.

"He gave in to temptation. This is his punishment, and he will face it with dignity."

"His arm is broken!"

"So is the will of the Lord," Gellert says calmly.

"Not my Lord." All those assembled turn at the sound of Alphard's entrance, Charlie on his heels. "My Lord says that children are a gift — Psalm 127. And He would not ask them to suffer unnecessarily." His voice has the tone of a lecture — this is a man who expects to be listened to.

"Children are a gift, yes, but the one who loves their child is careful to discipline them. That's Proverbs 13. Regulus must be disciplined for his failing."

"There is a difference between discipline and neglect!" Alphard explodes. Charlie puts a hand on his arm, and he seems to visibly calm at the gesture.

"What I'm trying to say," Alphard says in a more measured tone, "is that Regulus needs a doctor. He needs pain medication, and he needs to get that arm set."

"He  _needs_  to understand why giving in to temptation is wrong," Gellert says firmly. "You have no power here. This is my domain, and I will hold my actions in accordance with the word of the Lord."

"Then you're a  _dick_ ," Charlie says. His face is almost as red as his hair. "You truly believe that your God would have you torture children? And you still  _follow him_?"

"Who are you to question the Lord?" Gellert says. His face is growing thunderous. "You are a  _child_."

"I'm twenty-three," Charlie says. "Old enough to know child abuse when I see it."

Sirius stares at him in awe. Who is this man, that he would question Gellert? Charlie's face is cast in righteous fury, and Sirius wonders if maybe this is what the real Saints looked like.

"Out!" Gellert says. He gestures with an arm to the door. "Both of you! You will  _leave this commune_ , and you will  _not_  return."

Charlie and Alphard exchange a look before Alphard strides out of the room, Charlie on his heels.

Sirius wonders if that is it. He hadn't expected them to give up quite so easily. Both of them were fighters.

He's disappointed. He feels the future he had been planning — the daring rescue, the life outside the commune — crumble. He sort of wants to cry.

...

"Sirius," comes a whisper. Sirius groans slightly, rising up from a deep sleep.

"Wha'?" he mumbles without even opening his eyes.

"Sirius, wake up," comes the voice again. Sirius opens his eyes a slit to see Charlie standing over him, the hood of his sweatshirt pulled up as though that's going to disguise him in a commune where everyone wears the same clothing. "We're leaving," Charlie hisses.

"Goody f'r you," Sirius mutters.

Charlie sighs. "No, we're  _leaving_. Me, you, your Uncle, and your brother. Get  _up_."

Sirius's eyes snap wide open. "What?"

"Now," Charlie hisses.

Sirius swings his legs over the side of the bed and pulls his habit on over the boxers all the boys sleep in. "We're taking Remus," he says.

In the darkness, Sirius can just barely see the way Charlie's eyebrows rise. "Who?"

"Remus. He's my best friend. I'll get him," Sirius says as he stands, grabbing the rucksack that contains his books and his spare boxers.

"Wait. We can't just kidnap random kids! The only reason Alphard thinks we can leave with you two is that you're related. And…" Charlie hesitates for a second and then plows forward. "And because he thinks your parents won't fight it."

"They won't," Sirius says without a pause. "And Remus doesn't have any parents. It's fine. No one will come looking for him."

Charlie's face is unreadable in the darkness of the dorm, lit only by the faint moonlight coming in through the window. It casts his face in dramatic shadow.

Sirius pauses for only a moment. He's getting Remus, permission or no, but he wants to let Charlie think it's his choice, for now.

"Fine," Charlie says eventually. "Get him. Quickly, and quietly."

"Obviously," Sirius says with an eye roll.

Remus wakes with a start, as he always does. Sirius doesn't tell him they're leaving. He simply tells Remus to come with him, and Remus does, because he trusts Sirius.

Sirius feels a little bit guilty, because Remus will be furious when he realizes. But Sirius doesn't feel guilty enough to leave him behind.

…

They find Alphard in the courtyard, tucked into the shadows. Regulus is sitting on a bench beside him. Alphard has rigged a makeshift sling for Regulus using his own jacket. He shivers in the cool night air.

Charlie jogs up to them, pulling his hoodie off and handing it to Alphard. After a brief argument with their eyebrows, Alphard puts it on and then looks at Sirius.

"Charlie, there's more than one of them."

Charlie laughs, his head tipped back but the sound stifled.

"This is Remus," he says. "Sirius wasn't going anywhere without him."

Remus looks alarmed, and Sirius wants to swear. He didn't mean for Remus to figure out what was happening until they were gone.

"Charlie, that's kidnapping. They can come after us for that."

"Technically, it isn't. Legally, Remus should be a ward of the state. No parents, no godparents, and his mom died in here, so I doubt she left a legal will."

Alphard sighs.

"Son, you are going to be the death of me."

Charlie grins at him, face lit up by the moon.

"All right, all right. Let's get out of here."

"Where are we going?" Remus asks.

Charlie glances at Sirius and Sirius can read the question in his eyes.

"We're going to the hospital to get Regulus some help," Sirius says, because that isn't a lie and it's also the thing Remus is most likely to agree with.

"But… Gellert said…"

"Fuck what he said," Sirius says. "He doesn't care. He doesn't care about you, or me, or Regulus, or anybody."

"Sirius!" Remus sounds appalled. Sirius looks wildly at Alphard and Charlie. He's eighteen; he's not equipped to deal with this.

Charlie steps forward, and Sirius breathes a prayer of thanks for the young man. "Remus," Charlie says, and his voice is soft and gentle and it makes Sirius want to trust him, and also wrap himself up in Charlie's voice like a blanket and just stay there. "I know that you trust Gellert. But if Regulus doesn't get his arm set, he'll probably never use it again. Do you really think it's God's will to let Regulus lose an arm over an apple that he never meant to eat?"

Remus looks between them. His eyes are wide and bright and bewildered. It makes Sirius feel protective. He wants to shield Remus from this, because he knows that over time, the truth will shatter everything Remus has been clinging to for his entire life. And that's going to hurt.

But Remus needs to know the truth, too.

"I… I don't…" Remus stumbles. He looks confused. He looks like he's trying to reconcile his beliefs with Regulus's injury. Regulus is his friend, but this… this  _cult_  is his entire life. Sirius is ready to leave it behind, but Remus is not.

But Sirius can't leave him.

"It's okay, Remus. You can stay in the car while we take Regulus to the hospital. I just… I need your support. Please."

Sirius opens his eyes wide and gives Remus the best pleading look he can.

He hates it.

He hates manipulating Remus like this. But they need to  _go_.

Remus looks him in the eye, sighs, and follows them to the car. Charlie picks Regulus up easily and settles him in the front seat, trying to jostle the arm as little as possible.

Before he gets in the car, he corners Sirius.

"You're very brave," Charlie tells him.

"No," Sirius says. "I'm as brave as soggy potato salad. I'm fucking terrified, and he's going to hate me. You're brave."

Charlie shrugs and then grins. "Actually, I'm leaning toward blind panic, myself."

Sirius tries to smile. He's pretty sure it comes out weak and reluctant. Charlie claps him on the shoulder and then opens the car door. Sirius slides into the middle of the backseat, Remus on his left, Charlie getting in on his right.

Sirius thinks about what he's leaving behind. He will probably never see his parents again. He knows that his uncle is banking on the fact that they will not come after him, or Regulus, because they know that if they do, Sirius will have no hesitation telling the world and watching the whole commune come crumbling down.

He'd thought that leaving would fill him with euphoria. It doesn't. All he feels is uncertainty and dread.

He's giving up his life. And it wasn't a great life, but it's the only one he's ever known.

"What about all of the other kids?" Sirius says aloud as the car leaves the commune, headlights bright against the darkness.

Alphard meets his eyes in the rearview mirror, just for a moment before flicking them back to the road.

"Let's worry about one thing at a time," he finally says.

Sirius lets his gaze linger on Remus, who is staring fixedly out the window, and then he looks at Regulus, who is curled up in the front, trying not to cringe every time the car hits a bump. He thinks about Barty and Peter and all the other kids they left behind.

He looks at Charlie. Charlie is staring intently back at him.

"What?" he finally says. Charlie just shakes his head, saying nothing.

Alphard stops at a gas station in the middle of nowhere and buys Sirius, Remus, and Regulus all sweatshirts and sweatpants with the name of the town emblazoned on them.

"Put these on, so you look a little less like you just escaped a cult."

After they've changed, Charlie looks at them appraisingly, then turns to Alphard. "They definitely still look like they've just escaped a cult."

Alphard sighs. "I know. But it's the best we've got, for now."

He drives them to the hospital, because it's the only medical center open at this time of night.

Sirius walks into the hospital in awe. Born in the commune, he has never seen a place like this. Every surface is white and shiny. People run in every direction, wearing the same clothes (that part feels familiar) in all different colors. Some of them wear long white coats over the top while some don't.

After a moment, he notices Alphard and Charlie have stopped just inside the door, Charlie supporting Regulus. Remus had determinedly stayed in the car.

"—doesn't have ID," Charlie is hissing.

"You think I don't know that?" Alphard hisses back.

And then Alphard strides up to the desk. "Hello," he says cheerfully to the woman behind the desk. My name is Alphard Black, and this—" he gestures to Regulus "—is my nephew, Reggie. He's fallen climbing a tree, and I think he's broken his arm."

The woman behind the desk looks at Regulus's face, pale and drawn, and she nods. "And what's Reggie's date of birth?"

"February 19, 2004," Alphard says without hesitation. Sirius blinks. Regulus was born in 2002.

"Fifteen, then?" says the woman. Alphard nods. Sirius doesn't understand.

Charlie does. If Regulus is 15, he won't have state ID.

"Can I have your ID?" the woman says to Alphard. Alphard hands over his driver's license. The woman squints at it for a second before nodding and typing the listed address into the system.

"Do you have insurance?"

Alphard hums. "He's on his parents, but I'm afraid I don't have a copy. If you send the bill with us, I can get it to the insurance company later."

"Very well. They'll follow up with you if you don't pay it."

Alphard nods.

The woman prints a bracelet, straps it around Regulus's good wrist, and tells them to have a seat.

The chairs are weird and square. They're all angled facing a glowing square on the wall with flickering pictures. Sirius stares at it in fascination for a moment before turning to Charlie.

"What's that?" he asks. Charlie follows his gaze.

"What, the TV?"

"TV?"

"Oh my god," Charlie says. "Have you never seen a TV before?"

Sirius shakes his head, still staring at the glowing box.

Charlie drops his head into his hands, and then raises it up and reaches out. He looks like he wants to touch Sirius's shoulder, but he pulls his hand back.

"What did they do to you in there?"

Sirius isn't sure if it's meant as a real question. He tears his eyes away from the TV and looks at Charlie. Charlie is staring at him, blue eyes bright, freckles obvious in the harsh white light. He looks suddenly both very old and very young at the same time.

Sirius grins wryly, and says, "Everything. And nothing at all."

He turns back to the TV. Charlie falls silent.

* * *

Charlie can't take his eyes off Sirius Black.

He hadn't minded going with Alphard on a road trip. Alphard is a bit crazy, but he's pretty nice, and honestly, Charlie never minds a chance to leave the chaos that is his house. So yeah, he jumped at the chance to go with Alphard to see his nephews and help Alphard with his bags and directions and whatever else the slightly dotty old man needed help with.

He hadn't expected this. He hadn't expected some psycho religious cult that wouldn't let them take a kid to get a cast for his broken arm. He hadn't expected middle-of-the-night rescue missions and fake names.

He hadn't expected any of this. He definitely hadn't expected to meet a kid who was younger than he was but had ancient eyes and looked at his best friend like he'd walk through fire for him in a way that made Charlie suspect that it was a little more literal than most people when they said things like that.

Sirius is younger, but he isn't young. His wonder at the TV is the youngest he's looked since they met — he has a childlike wonder that Charlie can't look away from.

He doesn't mean to wonder aloud what they did to him. He means it only as a thought.

But Sirius's answer gives him pause, and he wonders exactly how long it's going to take for these three men to heal.

…

They cast Regulus's arm relatively quickly, but after that, they pull Alphard aside. And then they pull Regulus aside.

Charlie and Sirius exchange a look. When Alphard comes back, he looks weary.

Charlie sends him a questioning eyebrow. Alphard sighs.

"They wanted to know when Regulus broke his arm. I told them the truth, or as much of it as I thought I could — that it was this morning. I told them he was at a friend's house, and he didn't tell anyone how bad it hurt. I don't know… I don't know how much they believed. I don't know what Regulus is going to say."

Sirius's eyes flick between Charlie and Alphard.

"What does that mean?" he asks Charlie.

Charlie looks at him intently. "It means that they think Regulus is in trouble, and they're trying to do the right thing by him, but without the full picture they may take him away from us."

"They can't do that. They can't!"

Sirius runs out of the room before Charlie can catch him. With a sigh, Charlie darts after him.

He catches up to Sirius only after Sirius has already found Regulus. He is hugging his little brother tightly.

"It's okay, Reg," Sirius says softly. "I won't let them take you away. We've always got each other, right?"

Regulus sniffs, and then nods. One of the nurses looks at them affectionately and then ushers all of them back into the room with Alphard.

"You're good to go, Mr. Black. Please, be sure this doesn't happen again."

"Oh, don't you worry. I will."

The nurse smiles at him and then leaves.

"What did you tell them, Reg?" Sirius asks.

Regulus shrugs. "I didn't tell them anything. They couldn't make me."

Sirius beams.

Alphard shrugs, and then hustles all three of them back into the car.

Remus is huddled under a blanket that Alphard had given him, curled up against the window, half asleep. He jolts awake when they appear, and his eyes linger on Regulus's bright purple cast.

"Can we go back now?" Remus asks.

Charlie looks at Sirius. Sirius looks at Remus. Remus looks at Sirius. No one says anything.

"Sirius?" Remus asks. His voice is smaller this time. Unsure.

"I'm sorry, Remus. I couldn't leave you there."

"No. No. Take me back!"

Sirius shakes his head. "We aren't going back, Remus."

"No, take me  _back!_ "

Sirius's face twists into something awful and broken. Charlie wants to smash something.

"Remus, we aren't going back."

Remus places his hands against Sirius's chest and shoves, pushing him back into Charlie. Charlie helps him upright again.

"How could you?" Remus says, his voice barely above a whisper. "How could you do this to me?"

"I'm doing this  _for_  you," Sirius replies. His voice cracks in the middle of the sentence.

Silence descends between the two. It is a silence filled with fury.

When they stop for gas, Charlie switches seats with Sirius, putting himself in the middle. It doesn't help. Now the anger just radiates over him. Charlie sighs.

It's going to be a long ride.

…

Sirius falls asleep about an hour in. His head is lolling backward, his neck cocked at an odd angle. On Charlie's other side, Remus stares out the window, hands fixedly moving over the rosary he pulled out of his pocket.

Charlie wonders if it changes the rules of kidnapping if Remus doesn't want to be here. Sure, no one will be looking for him, but he's an adult — or is he? Sirius is eighteen, but Remus might well be seventeen.

But if this is kidnapping, does that mean it would've been better to leave Remus behind? Does being in a creepy cult make it okay if the person wants to be there, or is that just a sign of brainwashing?

Charlie sighs. He's not sure there is a right answer here.

...

When they arrive at Alphard's house, the sun is just beginning to rise on the horizon. Sirius wakes with a start as the car stops moving. Sirius takes a deep, bracing breath and then gets out of the car. Charlie slides out after him, stretching his aching limbs. Remus watches them both get out, his face impassive.

Charlie isn't sure what happens now.

Alphard helps Regulus out of the front see with a sigh. Charlie looks at him, knowing Alphard will see the question in his eyes.

"Go home," Alphard tells him.

Charlie hesitates.

Alphard sighs. "Go get some sleep, Charlie. You can come back in a few hours."

Charlie looks at Sirius and then at Remus and then at Regulus. And then he nods, and he crosses the yard and unlocks the front door to his house.

His mom is standing in the kitchen, making breakfast. His father is sitting at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper, ready to leave for work. It's summer, so his siblings are all still in bed.

"Hey Mom," he says, dropping a kiss on her cheek and then sitting down beside his father at the table.

It feels weirdly mundane, after everything he's just seen. He can't stop thinking about Sirius, desperate to leave. He can't stop thinking about Remus, desperate to go back.

He can't forget the look in Gellert's eye when he stood in front of everyone and told them that it was God's will that Regulus suffer from a broken arm.

Who does that? To a  _child_?

Regulus is sixteen. He deserves better. They all do. They deserve freedom.

But Charlie knows that's going to be hard to obtain. They may have left the cult behind, but it's still inside of them.

"How was the trip, love?" his mom asks. "Did you have a good time? How are Alphard's nephews?"

And how the hell is he supposed to answer that?

"You'll get a chance to meet them," he finally says.

Molly turns from the stove to face him. "What?"

"They're going to be living with Alphard for the foreseeable future."

Molly frowns. "Why?"

Charlie wonders how to answer that. It's not an easy story. He imagines it's even harder to be living it.

"Because it turns out their parents were in a cult that didn't believe in hospitals."

Molly's eyes go wide. Arthur puts down the newspaper and looks at him.

"You're going to have to explain that one."

Charlie sighs and starts at the beginning.

* * *

Remus clutches the beads of his rosary so tightly they leave red marks on his palm. He walks into the bedroom Alphard has given him, and he pulls out his rope belt and tunic, tying the belt around his waist and slipping on the habit.

He drops to his knees beside the bed.

He doesn't understand, so he talks to God. God has granted him clarity in the past.

First, he asks for forgiveness. He asks God to forgive him for trusting Sirius and letting Sirius lead him astray. He asks for forgiveness for not fighting back when he knew that going against God's will was wrong.

He asks for forgiveness for his doubts when Gellert told them that Regulus's broken arm was God's will.

He thinks about doubting, and he tightens the rope around his waist.

And then he asks for guidance. He doesn't know what to do now. He wants to go back to the commune, where it's safe, where he knows the rules, where the world itself doesn't terrify him.

But he wonders if this, too, is God's will. Maybe he was meant to leave, to spread the Word of God?

_Lord,_ he prays.  _I am only human and I do not understand your plan for me. Please, show me Your way._

God does not answer him, and so Remus clutches his rosary a little tighter and says Hail Marys until his knees are numb, and then he just keeps going.

Sirius finds him there, mid-afternoon. He looks rumpled, as though he has only recently gotten out of bed. "We're meeting in the living room," he says.

Remus nods without breaking the thread of his prayers. Sirius sighs and turns away.

When Remus joins them in the living room, sitting cross-legged on the floor, Regulus is turned toward his brother, asking, "When are we going back?"

Sirius looks booth more dejected and somehow also freer than Remus as ever seen him look.

"We aren't going back," he says, his voice pitched solemn and low. Regulus's eyes widen.

"What do you mean, we aren't going back? What about Mom and Dad?"

"Reg, do you understand what just happened? Mom and Dad were content to let you lose your arm when it was easily fixed. Because Gellert said so. Don't you get that?"

"But it was–"

"So help me, if you say it was  _God's will_ ," Sirius says darkly. Regulus goes quiet, and Sirius keeps speaking. "What happened to believing in a merciful God?" Sirius asks. "A God who forgives? A God who loves his children? Because I don't think that God would ask His children to suffer."

Regulus blinks at Sirius, unsure. Remus wonders if he's going to need to ask for forgiveness for doubting again. The thing is, the things Sirius says make so much  _sense_. He knows the Bible as well as any of them. He understands how they think, and then he pokes tiny holes in everything they believe.

It's infuriating, but it kind of feels like flying, too. Remus thinks that in the end, it makes his beliefs stronger.

Sirius's face softens as he looks at Regulus. "What they did? Mom and Dad? The law considers it child abuse. Not discipline. Cruelty."

Regulus shakes his head. "Mom and Dad didn't abuse us."

Sirius bites his lip. "Maybe not directly. But they let Gellert do it."

"It's not abuse! It's not; it's  _not_. It's not abuse if I wanted it, Sirius. I wanted them to mold me into the image of God."

Sirius's face crumbles, and Remus aches to see his best friend in pain like this.

"You're right," he says softly. "Then it's abuse  _and_ brainwashing."

Sirius gets up, and he leaves the living room. Remus watches him go. When he brings his gaze back, he finds Alphard staring at him from his spot in the chair. Alphard heaves a sigh. "This is so above my pay grade."

He pulls himself out of the chair, grabs a cane from near the door, and leaves the house.

Remus doesn't understand why until he comes back a few minutes later with an older man who looks a lot like Charlie.

"Regulus," Alphard says. "This is Arthur Weasley. He's going to talk to you for a bit. Then he's going to talk to Remus for a bit. I expect you to show him respect, please. Remus, is it alright if they use your bedroom to talk?"

Remus nods. The space doesn't belong to him, anyway.

He stays cross-legged on the floor as Alphard re-seats himself in the chair. He looks oddly regal. He's thinking about what Sirius said. He's thinking about what God is. What God wants for them.

He wonders how he's supposed to know.

…

Arthur talks to Regulus for nearly an hour before Regulus comes back and Arthur beckons to Remus. Remus follows.

Arthur sits in the small chair in the room. Remus drops to sit cross-legged in front of him.

In response, Arthur drags a hand over his face. He looks exhausted.

"Remus, right? Would you mind sitting on the bed? I'd really like to approach this as equals, if we could."

Remus blinks. No one's ever asked him that before.

After a moment, he decides that obeying is probably easier, and he moves to perch on the edge of the bed.

"Remus, I'm a therapist. Do you know what that means?"

Remus shakes his head.

"I'm like a doctor, only I help people when their brains aren't working quite right. I help people get perspective, and work through their problems."

"Okay," Remus says slowly.

"Alphard asked me to talk to you and Regulus, to maybe help you guys get some perspective on life, and to help you adjust."

Remus frowns. "There's nothing wrong with my brain."

"I can't make a judgement on that. I've only just met you. I've heard a little from my son and from Alphard what you've been through, though, and in my experience, that kind of thing leaves its mark. I'm not here to tell you you're broken. I'm here to listen to what you have to say, and hopefully help you adjust to the differences between where you've come from and here."

"You think I'm traumatized. You think that just because we were a religious commune, that I spent my life being tormented. They said people would think that."

"I didn't say any of that, Remus. Those are your words; not mine." His voice is soft and somewhat soothing. "I'm not judging anything based on your religion. I'm basing it on Charlie's word's and Regulus's broken arm. And that doesn't tell me anything about your state of mind. It only tells me about your past experiences."

Remus eyes him skeptically. "You're going to try to make me change my beliefs, aren't you?"

"Remus, I'm not going to ask you to stop believing in God. I'm going to ask you to stop believing in Gellert Grindelwald."

And honestly, Remus has never thought of them as being different things before.

Arthur leans forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. He looks at Remus intently.

"Remus, your faith is not the reason people are concerned about you. Do you understand this? Many people use religion as a legitimate and healthy coping method. Many people find that faith helps their mental health immensely."

Remus tips his head. "Are you a man of faith, Mr. Weasley?"

"I am."

"So you go to church?"

"No. I believe in a personal faith. I pray. Often to Saint Joseph. When I need guidance, sometimes I light a candle in my study."

Remus nods. "And are you ever conflicted about your faith?"

"All the time," Arthur says. "I believe that questioning our faith leaves it stronger. If our faith is rigid, it will break. If our faith is flexible, if it bends when faced with new information, then it can stretch and grow."

Remus hums, contemplative.

…

When Arthur leaves, Remus is left with more doubts than ever before.

He doesn't want to doubt. He doesn't want to questions his faith, everything he believes it. The whole world has been telling him he's wrong, but he expected that. It's not the world that makes him doubt.

It's Sirius.

It's Sirius, who has never really believed but always done what he thought was best. Who has always cared about Remus and Regulus first and himself second. Who has always wanted nothing more than to leave the commune, but when given the chance, was ready to refuse if Remus didn't come with.

His contemplation is interrupted when Charlie shows back up, knocking on his door.

"Remus?"

Remus nods.

"How are you?"

That's a complicated question, right now. He's trying to hold on to his faith when it feels like the world is trying to drown him. He's questioning everything he's ever known. He's being told that his entire life was a series of one abuse after another.

It's not the best he's ever felt.

In the end, he just shrugs.

Charlie nods, as though this makes sense.

"My dad said he set you guys up with appointments this week? Since, you know, working on Saturdays isn't his favorite thing." Charlie grins, and it's crooked and weirdly endearing.

"He did," Remus says quietly. Charlie beams at him.

"Good. Look, it won't hurt anything to talk to him. He'll make sure you don't feel like he's attacking you for anything — he just poses questions that make you think about things. It makes living with him interesting." Charlie chuckles lightly, seemingly at himself.

Charlie's not really like anyone Remus has ever known before. Most people at the commune were reserved, at least to a degree. Even Sirius, who in private tends to smile openly and wear his heart on his sleeve, will flip a switch when in company, wearing masks like a second skin.

Charlie doesn't do that. Instead, every situation that Remus has seen him in, he smiles bright and frowns openly and doesn't care who sees.

"I thought… maybe you guys would like to get out of the house for a little bit. Maybe come see my room? Play a board game? Have some chocolate? Always makes me feel better, anyway."

"A board game… like Scrabble? We had Scrabble. For quiet hour, on Fridays."

"Sure, yeah. We have Scrabble. And other things. Monopoly, Operation, Trouble… Mousetrap… I don't know, there are loads."

"And… chocolate? Chocolate was not allowed in the commune. Gellert called it an indulgence."

Charlie tips his head, thoughtful. "It can be. If you eat too much. It's like… do you know… erm. Socrates? Maybe Plato? I dunno, one of those old philosophers had this theory about virtue, right? Now that I think about it, it may have been Aristotle. That's not important. The theory goes, the extremes are vices and the median is virtue. If you discipline too much, that's torture. If you don't discipline at all, that's neglect. But the correct amount of discipline is somewhere in the middle. Everything in moderation. That's always stuck with me. Greed is a vice, but so is asceticism."

Remus hums, but he's curious enough to follow Charlie as they round up Regulus and Sirius from their room and cross the yard separating the two houses.

Charlie opens the front door of the Weasley home to a complete riot of noise. Remus blinks in surprise. There are redheads everywhere. Two are in the kitchen, one bent over a bowl of cereal and the other staring into the refrigerator. Five are in the living room, three staring at a glowing box filled with moving pictures and other two are rolling around on the floor, grappling with each other. Arthur is one of the three on the couch in the living room. Remus first thinks he is paying no attention to the pair of his sons clearly wrestling in front of him, but then they knock into the living room table and he says mildly, "Boys."

"Sorry, Dad," one of the boys says, put the don't pause in their wrestling, merely roll away from the table and continue. When Remus stops staring, he finds Charlie grinning at him wryly.

"Yeah, sorry. We're a lot. Come on up to my room. It'll be quieter, and Bill's agreed to stay down here. Just a second." He turns to his family. "Hey! You guys! Say hello to Remus, Regulus, and Sirius!"

A chorus of "hellos" of varying degrees of enthusiasm comes from the crowd. Arthur gives them a smile and then turns back to his pictures.

It's almost nice to be lost in the chaos.

Charlie leads them to the back of the house, waves to his mum where she's sitting in an office, and then leads them up the stairs, around a corner, and up another flight of stairs.

"Bill and I are up in the attic because we're the oldest, but neither of us mind, because it gives us the most privacy," Charlie explains. "Plus, to be honest, it's a fair bit bigger than the other bedrooms."

They climb the stairs to a wide room with low, sloped ceilings. There is a bed at each end, both next to small windows. Near each bed, there is a dresser of a dark wood and a bedside table. One of the beds is neatly made and covered with blankets with indecipherable scribbles. The other has the comforter scrunched up at the foot of the bed, exposing sheets which appear to feature a massive fire-breathing dragon.

Charlie gestures in the direction of the dragon. "That's me because I am a mess of a human being. The organized half of the room belongs to Bill."

He gestures to the rug in the middle of the room. "This is usually the best place to sit and play games. I've grabbed a pile," he points to a stack of boxes, "but let me know if you want anything else and I'll see if we have it." He moves over to the dresser and rummages through it before pulling out a somewhat large box, which he then dumps on the rug next to the pile of boxes. "Chocolate!"

The box has rained down a myriad of colorful packages. Too much, it would seem to Remus, for any one person.

"Why do you have so much chocolate in your bedroom?" Sirius asks.

Charlie shrugs. "I figured I had to lure you in here somehow." And then he grins the same crooked grin.

It takes Remus a moment to realize that this means he is joking. By the time he does, Sirius is already laughing and taking a seat.

"Would you like me to pick one for you?" Charlie asks, sifting through the pile of chocolate.

"Sure," Sirius says. Charlie grins and pulls out three bars, one blue, one brown, and one red. He hands the blue one to Sirius, the red one to Regulus, and the brown one to Remus, who takes it with a small amount of hesitation.

Is this a temptation he is meant to refuse? Or is Charlie right, in that it's only a vice if taken to excess?

The thing is, Remus is no longer sure that there is only one right way. He is starting to think that maybe Gellert's path was the right path for Gellert, and that Sirius's path is the right path for him, and maybe Remus needs to find his own path.

Because he's thinking about his mother, who died because it was God's will, when Remus wasn't ready to lose her, and when the world probably could have saved her, if they'd only asked. He's thinking about his father, who left when Remus was six, and who became nothing — they never spoke of him again. He is thinking about Regulus, who is like a little brother to him, who broke his arm while trying to give his mother a gift and was told that it was his own moral failing. Was told that he deserved to lose the use of his arm.

And he's wondering if loving these people is making his faith weaker.

Or if maybe his faith can become stronger for loving them. Can become different.

He watches as Sirius nibbles a bite of the chocolate bar. Watches Sirius's face light up with joy.

And he wonders how that kind of joy can be wrong. Isn't joy a gift from God?

* * *

A week passes. Sirius feels like they're in some weird kind of stasis here, still trying to figure out what life is outside the commune. Remus spends a lot of time in prayer. Regulus does too. Sirius doesn't.

They all go to visit Arthur in his office. Once together, and once each separately.

Sirius tries to ask him about how Remus is doing, but Arthur cites something he calls, "therapist/patient confidentiality" and won't tell him. Sirius thinks this is probably for the best, but it's also frustrating because Remus isn't saying much.

So after a week of this, Sirius corners him. It's night, and Remus has just slipped under the covers when Sirius knocks on his door frame.

Remus tells him to come in.

Sirius pads on quiet feet across the room and slips under the covers next to Remus. Remus shifts onto his side, facing Sirius.

"What is it?" Remus asks, his voice quiet in the night air.

Sirius sighs. "I've been thinking about… love."

Remus frowns at him. It's kind of what Sirius was expecting.

"Why?"

"Because. I've never said anything, because in the commune it never mattered, but maybe… maybe out here I feel freer to speak my mind."

Sirius wonders if he should stop talking. But… well.

"I love you, Remus. Not in the way that I love Regulus. In… in the way that Ruth loved Boaz."

It's always been one of Sirius's favorite stories. Ruth was an outsider, but Boaz went to bat for her hand anyway. Ruth stuck with Naomi, her mother in law, even though it meant leaving her home and everything she'd ever known. (And yeah, okay, maybe he loves the story because he wanted to be Ruth, striking out for new land with the best of his family by his side).

Remus is blinking at him.

"Sirius…"

"Look," Sirius interrupts him. "I'm not asking you for anything. I just… I think I just needed to say it."

Remus hesitated, and then said, "But Sirius, two men together like that is  _wrong_."

Sirius knows his hurt shows in his eyes, but his face doesn't move.

"Remus, Gellert told us a lot of things. And I'm still sorting through which of them I believe in. But… I don't believe that loving you can be wrong."

And Remus looks him dead in the eye and asks him to leave.

So Sirius does.

* * *

Remus can't get the image of Sirius looking him in the eye and telling him he loves him out of his head.

It's wrong. He  _knows_ that. He remembers Gellert talking about it, about how loving those that were the same as you was a vice in the outside world, something they in the commune had cleansed themselves of. He remembers Gellert citing Bible passages and telling them that God never meant for a man to lie with a man, because there was no way that kind of love could survive, because it could never produce children to carry on His message.

He remembers hearing Gellert say, "They cannot be saved. They are too far gone."

He remembers the rage in Gellert's eyes that day. He remembers thinking,  _this is personal._ Thinking,  _Gellert has lost someone to this kind of sin_.

But… it's Sirius. Sirius has always been Remus's weakness and leaving the commune has not changed that.

He will always care for Sirius. Even if Sirius is a sinner. Even if Sirius is damned. Remus will love him anyway.

Maybe that means Remus is damned too, but he doesn't think so. He has tried to save Sirius. Many times. Sirius just scrunches up his face in a frown until Remus changes the subject.

Sirius may well be beyond saving, but Remus will never stop trying.

But… is that exactly what Sirius was talking about? Is that the kind of love he means?

Remus would do anything, would give his  _life_ , for Sirius.

Maybe that… does that mean he loves Sirius in the same way Sirius loves him?

But that can't be true. He can't be that kind of sinner. He can't be that sort of irredeemable.

_He can't be_.

* * *

Charlie never means to fall in love with either of them. He certainly never means to  _do_ anything about it.

But Sirius is raw and honest and Remus is quietly hilarious and Charlie is intoxicated by both of them.

And then Sirius comes up to him one day in their second summer, just over a year to the day of their arrival at the commune, runs a hand through his now-long hair, and says, "Charlie, I want to try to date you."

And Charlie isn't sure what he's supposed to do. He knows Sirius has scars, but don't they all? He knows that Sirius is in a much more stable place now than a year ago, and that there would always be setbacks but… Charlie likes Sirius. And Sirius is nineteen and fully capable of making his own decisions.

And Charlie wants to date him too.

"What about Remus?" falls out of his mouth without thinking.

Sirius's eyes darken. "I love him. I will always love him. And… Sometimes I think he might love me, too. But sometimes I think he doesn't. And sometimes I think even if he does, I can't spend my whole life waiting for him to be okay with that."

Charlie sees the truth in Sirius's eyes, so he says, "Okay."

And so they start dating.

And on their second date, Charlie takes Sirius's hand and says, "I want you to know that if Remus comes around, I understand. If you want to go back to him. Or if you want to date us both."

Sirius tips his head in an adorable way and says, "Both?"

Charlie shrugs. "Stranger things have happened. Besides, I like Remus. And I may have a bit of a crush on him myself."

..

Charlie and Sirius date for two weeks before Remus corners Charlie and says, "How do you do it? How do… how do you accept that you love him?"

And Charlie knows he has to tread carefully.

"It helps that I haven't spent my whole life being told that it isn't okay to the same degree you have," he says first. "But I still spent a long time coming to terms with myself. And in the end, the answer was simple, for me. I don't think  _love_  is ever wrong. I think love is the purest gift we can give in this world. And I don't think that's ever wrong, no matter who it's between. And if the world disagrees? Well, the world can go fuck itself."

Remus hums thoughtfully.

"Would… would it be bad if I thought maybe I loved him, too?"

Charlie smiles softly. "Not at all, Remus. I think maybe you should talk to Sirius about this."

And that's how Remus and Sirius start dating.

At first, they split their time with Sirius, before they realize that's ridiculous because they're all friends. Besides, Charlie likes it better when it's all three of them, because then he doesn't feel like something's missing.

The moment where they fill in the third side of their triangle is surprisingly anticlimactic.

Charlie is leaving for school because summer eventually has to end and he goes back to teaching classes at the local high school (languages — all of the languages, because Charlie loves learning languages). One morning, he grabs his lunch, laughs at Sirius as he's half sleeping while frying bacon, gives him a kiss goodbye, and then gives Remus a kiss goodbye and leaves.

He doesn't even notice what he's done until lunch.

He goes home that day, warily opening the door, but Remus smiles at him and says, "What do you say we date?"

And Charlie grins.

"Sounds brilliant."

And things aren't perfect. Sirius and Remus both find that their childhood comes back to them in the strangest ways, like when Remus freezes up in the grocery aisle when attempting to choose a soap and thinks,  _I don't deserve any of this and it is all excess_. He doesn't come home for three hours. One day, Sirius is just trying to attend classes at the local college after getting his GED and he catches sight of a blonde man who looks a little too much like Gellert and he sprints home and winds up hiding in their bathroom because it's the only room without windows.

Some days Charlie feels like he doesn't understand them at all. He asks his dad for help. A lot of help.

But other days he knows that he helps balance them. Sometimes it feels like he's keeping them from destroying each other, because they fight. A lot. They argue over religion and classes and the future and the past. Sirius has a temper that flares hot and fast, and so does Charlie. Remus is steadier, but when he gets angry it's terrifying. And they're a mess, and it's nothing Charlie ever expected out of his life, but it's beautiful all the same.


End file.
